ED Recovery Hub

*** now offering eating disorder recovery sessions ***

My Recovery Story

Childhood years

I was a happy and free-spirited child who loved life. I had a large group of friends and enjoyed play dates and sleepovers. I had a healthy relationship with food and was a naturally active child. I had a sensitive and anxious temperament and was an avid people pleaser who wanted to do no wrong.

When I was 13, my family and I moved cities. I didn’t cope well with this change and struggled to fit in. I felt inferior to many of the other girls. I noticed that the girls who seemed the most popular were also the thinnest. I longed to be like them.

Teen years - the descent into Anorexia

When I was 15, I met a girl at a X-Country event who had anorexia. Instead of pitying her when she was crying about struggling to eat a salad roll for lunch, I envied her. A switch flicked in my brain that day. I made an intentional choice to develop anorexia. Little did I know at the time that this one decision would have such a devastating impact on my life from that point forwards.

What started out as a simple diet where I cut out processed foods here and there, turned into nearly every food I previously ate being eliminated from my diet. I went from playing sport a few days per week to doing multiple high intensity workouts every day. The weight fell off my body rapidly.

At first the girls at school were impressed by my weight loss, but once my weight continued to drop, they started to express concern. I just assumed they were jealous, and I continued my weight loss pursuit.

Hospital admission

I was able to disguise my weight loss from my parents by wearing bulky clothing and telling them that I was on a health kick. I got ‘found out’ when I went away on my Year 10 camp. I had zero energy to complete any of the activities as I wouldn’t allow myself to eat any of the food that was being served. A teacher asked me if I was okay. I started to cry inconsolably. I told her that “no, I wasn’t okay.” My parents were called. They were shocked and concerned. I told them that I would start eating and regain the weight I’d lost, but the eating disorder had other ideas. What started out as an innocent diet had gotten completely out of control. It was at this point that I realised that I wanted out, but it was too late as the eating disorder had already latched onto my brain. There was no escape. Within a few weeks of the camp, I was admitted into hospital.

Back in the early 1990s when I was battling anorexia, the protocol when children were admitted into hospital for anorexia was punishment and reward. If I gained the required weight (typically 1 – 2kg per week, I’d be given a reward such as a day pass to see my family. If I lost weight, I’d be confined to bed rest. I hated hospital. I wanted to go home ASAP so I did what was required. This meant eating a lot of food. Within 7 weeks, I had gained enough weight to be discharged. Although my body was physically healthier, my mind was not. I went straight back to my old patterns.

Disconnection and Obsession

When I returned to school, the friendship group that I had been a part of prior to being admitted into hospital had disbanded. I had no group to go to. For the next two years of high school I went from group to group without actually feeling as though I belonged anywhere. So much for anorexia making me popular, it actually left me feeling like ever more of outsider.

I developed an interest in long distance running soon after returning to school. It wasn’t that I liked running, it was more that the running burnt a tonne of calories plus I discovered fairly quickly that if I trained hard, I was actually quite good. Running became an obsession. I started to compete and win races. I felt elated in the moment, but then the reality of what I needed to do to run so fast led to me feeling miserable by the next day. Despite this however, I continued to run because it kept my weight low and made me feel special. I didn’t want to lose this.

Anorexia morphed into binge eating

Soon after I turned 19, I had to get all four of my wisdom teeth removed. This led to an infection. I had to stop running in order for the infection to heal. This short break was enough to break my rigid exercise routine. Because I couldn’t run, I filled this time by eating. Once I started, I couldn’t stop. This was the start of several years of binge eating. I tried to offset these binges by exercising; however, this wasn’t enough to stop the weight gain. I went up several clothing sizes. I felt miserable and completely out of control. Throughout this period I remained living at home – isolating myself from everyone. I had no friends and no social life. It was a very lonely period of my life.

Falling in love

When I turned 23, I met my now husband. I fell head over heels in love with him the moment I met him. Falling in love caused me to lose my appetite. The weight fell off. At the same time, I stated running again. Within a few months, I was back to a low weight. The eating disorder was rampant.

My husband proposed on my 25thbirthday. We got married 6 weeks later. He and I were hoping that as soon as we go married, this would be enough for me to let go of the eating disorder. Sadly this wasn’t the case. For the next 15 years, the eating disorder was the centrepiece of our lives.

I don’t think that I could every fully describe in words the impact that a very active eating disorder can have on a marriage. It takes a one in an infinity husband to weather the storms that come full force when their wife’s brain is controlled by an eating disorder. I desperately wanted to recover for not only myself, but also my husband. I was constantly hungry, exhausted, cold, fearful, obsessive, and controlling. I didn’t want people to come over or go out anywhere because this impacted my rigid routines. If we ever got invited anywhere, we would make up an excuse to not go so that I didn’t have to deal with the food or if we did go, I’d say that I had a stomach ache so that I didn’t have to eat. If we went away, I’d bring food with me and still get up super early in the morning to exercise. The only restaurant we would eat at was Sizzler as this was a buffet restaurant that served my ‘safe’ foods. There were never any late nights as I always had to get up early to exercise.

Pregnancy and Motherhood

One of the consequences of developing an eating disorder was that I had never had my period. This was still the case when I got married. Both my husband and I wanted children, so we sought fertility treatment. We were fortunate to find a fertility specialist who helped us conceive four healthy children – three girls, and one boy.

Motherhood was another major challenging life stage for me. The eating disorder was still very active so much so that I continued to exercise right up until the day that I went into labour for each one of my pregnancies, including a twin birth! Crazy, I know! I knew how vitally important it was for me to be a positive role model for my children and yet I just couldn’t seem to let go of the eating disorder. Our lives were spent following rigid routines that fitted in with my meal and exercise schedule. I said no to most social invitations as this would often interfere with my routine. I was obsessed with keeping my weight low. My family suffered terribly. I have immense regret for what I put my family through.

Trying to recover but getting nowhere

It should be noted that from the age of 15 up until the age of 40, I saw countless professionals to help me recover – GPs, Psychologists, Psychiatrists, Counsellors, Therapists, Spiritual Healers, Hypnotherapists, Dietitians…you name it, I saw them. I also read countless books, attended many workshops, and did course upon course. I wanted these professionals, books, workshops, and courses to ‘cure me’. I convinced myself that I was trying hard because I was doing so many things. I kept searching for the missing link that would cause a switch in my brain to flick so that I could recover. It turns out that just thinking about recovery won’t get a person recovered, they must do recovery actions.

Photo of Julie Rose looking fit and healthy

The breakthrough

I learnt the importance of recovery actions from the one and only Recovery Coach Tabitha Farrar. Tabitha wrote the book Rehabilitate, Rewire, Recover. She is a no-nonsense coach who uses an action first approach. I started sessions with Tabitha in December, 2016. Within 6 weeks of seeing her and engaging in recovery actions, I got my period at the ripe old age of 40 after never having it. Miraculous! I went from severe restriction and compulsive exercise to eating in abundance and dramatically reducing my exercise. My weight increased and my eating disorder thoughts became less intense. I am immensely grateful to Tabitha, as if it wasn’t for her, my marriage likely would have crumbled as at the time of seeing her, my husband was at breaking point due to the impact that the eating disorder was having on our family.

Almost recovered but not quite

I’d love to give you a happy ending and tell you that I’m fully recovered and live an incredibly free and happy life, but unfortunately this isn’t the case. For the past 8 years, I’ve been in quasi recovery. To an outsider I look fit, healthy, and happy when in actual fact the eating disorder voice is quite loud. There are many rules that I need to follow. I still strive to maintain a lean weight. I still exercise every day. I still think about food 24/7. This is not full recovery. I long to experience mental peace whereby there is no eating disorder voice dictating my every action. I long to make spontaneous food decisions. I long to take a rest day when my body is exhausted. I long to go away on holidays without meticulous planning. I long to wake up in the morning where my first thought is something other than food. I long to be fully present with my family. I long to make deep and authentic friendships. So many longings that recovery will give me, if only I could summon up the courage to let go of the eating disorder and fully surrender.

Feeling the fear but doing it anyway!

In 2024, I made a vow to myself and my husband that I would recover this time for good. I’d made this declaration countless times in the past, but this time was different. This time I was determined to go all the way. I prepared myself for major discomfort, fear, panic, despair, and the dreaded weight gain. Yes, I experienced all these things BUT I coped! I got my life back! I'm now living in freedom! If I can do this after 33 years of struggle, you can too! Full recovery is possible.